Out and about this past Fashion Week, I was once again reminded of the perils of being a GAYzilla. You know, a cross between a temper-tantrum-throwing Bridezilla and a bitchy Drama Queen all rolled up into one huge ball of Gay evil and despair; yeah, GAYzilla! And it seems to escape me how Gay men can't seem to pull it together when out in public as they feel this is their time to shine their homosexual spotlight on themselves for extra attention, gay patronage and shameless self-promotion. But they manage to get the job done, I mean, I even took my video camera off Halle Berry to get footage of Ralph, an ascot-wearing Gay at the event in charge of media who decided to flame his arms about yelling, "People with the big cameras, I told you already, follow me!"So in honor of Ralph, I'd like to give everyone the
1. It's all about you and you celebrate life--the wrong way. A true GAYzilla will make everything minute details about him. It's raining? Oh, why is God punishing him? There's a tornado on it's way? "I can't die in these shoes!" These queens will flip a topic around so fast, it makes your head and their testicles spin. Throw in sarcasm and negative remarks about everything and everyone around--and you have a bona fide GAYzilla.
2. Your man-less and the world has to know your struggle. An authentic GAYzilla will approach life with a "Woah is me!" attitude; especially when it comes to being gay and single. They can't embrace the benefits of having that beautiful time when you're alone to explore life, self-love, and that awesome "in between" time to live life on your own terms. Instead, they spend countless hours on GRINDR or MANHUNT looking for love in all the wrong places while trying to get someone to participate in a nice spirited game of penis-pong. Play with your own pee-pee, good Lord, that's why God made us Gay! (Side note, I found my man in GRINDR so I shouldn't be too damaging to the Gay iPhone app of love)
3. You found a man and the world must know about your happiness and his juicy nipples. And just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, they fall in lust love with someone at their own level and it's high drama for the Gays who choose to surround themselves with the couple who like to display their good and bad times in public...and then tweet or facebook about it. A true GAYzilla must have proof of both his happiness and misery so social media is a key element in his relationships.
4. Your friends ignore you so it's time for another tantrum. No one is returning your calls? Your tweets aren't being RT'd? Raise your hand if you know what time it is--yes, it's time for a tantrum! Call your mom or your Asian landlord who uses symbols as his name but insists on you calling him Peter, but whatever you do, scream, shout and throw in a few, "I'll show them!" for added effects. Remember rule #1: It's all about you; so if they're not playing the game right, they must suffer.
5. Rants are always en vogue. Keep in mind that a GAYzilla is powered by rants; therefore, little things must set him off and quite often. Think Noami Campbell, Russell Crow, Ralph, with the ascot. Not enough foam in his Starbucks drink, watch out! The train doors almost caught his faux-leather H&M bag--get ready! His hairspray bottle clogged up and now he can't get that Adam Lambert 'do going, then I'd advise to stand back because GAYzilla is about to blow--and not in the good Gay version we all know and get arrested for.
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