Hypnotizing Your Way to a Thinner You

IIn life, we cross paths with various people and their personalities. As humans we live, love, hate, forget, and eventually move on. The evolving process of man will remain just as mysterious as the seven wonders of the world have; like Wonder Woman and wonder bread.

About two years ago, I started a new career path as a recruiter in the pharmaceutical industry. Besides improving my spelling skills—I can now spell big words like: pharmaceutical and biostatistician—I made two new friends: D'Jahnay and Vanesa. The three of us make up the USA division of the company. Vanesa can be Jennifer Lopez's body double. Her face should grace the covers of fashion magazines worldwide as it's flawless and well as graceful.

But D'Jahnay is not to be out done, she can also be a Jennifer body double--Jennifer Hudson that is. Don't get me wrong, with all her dangerous sultry curves, she will put your eyes out and not to mention owning a pair of lips that will damage whatever crosses their path.

D'Jahnay trained me and got me acquainted with the pharmaceutical world, since she had several years experience. However, when not involved in the cumbersome task of showing me the ropes, she'd often be heard having personal conversations via the telephone.

D'Jahnay: (to a friend—while eating a package of 100 calorie baked Cheetos) What? She married him? He's out of prison? Girl, I'm getting my weave done tonight. What are you having for dinner tonight?

Or

D'Jahnay: (to her boyfriend—while eating a package of 100 calorie Chips Ahoy cookies) Are you going to send me lavender roses for my birthday next week? You know I also look good in 14-karat gold-right? What are we having for dinner tonight?

Or

D'Jahnay: (to the treadmill manufacturer's customer service—while eating a package of 100 calorie Wheat Thin multi grain chips) Yes, my treadmill at home is not working (making a circular motion with her left hand around her entire body) and all of this—needs to get her fitness on. So make sure the technician is available on weekends to come by and fix it. What are you eating for dinner tonight?

D'Jahnay claims she has weight issues and has tried all avenues: point systems, low fat, low carb, no sugar, anti taste diets—but no success. Her last hope lies in a rumor she heard from a friend's friend who has a neighbor whose niece found out through her bosses sister's cousin—twice removed.

D'Jahnay: I'm getting hypnotized tonight. I heard about a guy who hypnotizes you to lose weight. A friend told me. Wanna come? Vanesa's neighbor, Jenny is also going. By the way, what are you eating for dinner tonight?

Many of you understand that I'm a risk taker. I welcome a challenge. I love to try the abnormal just for the experience—henceforth my bizarre and contaminated relationship with a 19-year-old Italian boy from L.A. this past summer. Talk about 8.5 inches of uncut lunacy. Ah—the beautiful yet painful toxic memories. I feel like breaking into a chorus of Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again --the Holler Back Girl Remix."
Nando: Sure, it's Halloween and I have nothing better to do. But give me more info so I can research the guy.

I found his website and read how Mr. Green, in one session, successfully hypnotizes crowds of obese slobs into slim trim human beings.

"The GREEN SEMINAR combines the power of hypnotic conditioning with standard behavior modification techniques to help you QUIT SMOKING, LOSE WEIGHT or REDUCE STRESS after just ONE convenient two hour session!! If, for any reason, you cannot be hypnotized, your money will be refunded at the end of the session."

"Count me in for sure!" I exclaimed. Not only was I excited, I was thrilled that I found a discount clause:"

Groups of four of more pay only $65.00 instead of the regular $75.00 price." Please note: The fee includes an audio cassette tape or CD, supportive written material, and free revisits of the session, if necessary or desired."

My mission was clear and it was to find a fourth person in order to get the reduced price, then get hypnotize, and use my $10.00 savings for a treat like the #4 meal at McDonald's (regular size—what? I'm not a total pig).

Six o'clock struck and D'Jahnay and I left work like a pair of Amazing Race participants arguing which way would be quickest. I wanted to make sure and get there early enough to find our fourth and to get good seats. Finally arriving at St. Vincent's hospital located on 12th and 7th, we spotted Vanesa's neighbor. Jenny looks like a beautiful Amazon biker chick. She was wearing a leather jacket while smoking a cigarette and drinking out of a Starbucks cup. She reminded me of Wonder Woman, minus the rings of smoke blowing out of her mouth.
As we entered the hospital, we're told to follow the green flyers with huge black arrows. We took the elevator to the fourth floor and were trapped in some sort of maze as we walked through brightly lit corridors and empty hallways. The arrows lead us to a tall thin man sitting in a chair outside of a conference room. He looked familiar. It was Mr. Green.
I walked up to him and without giving me any eye contact he asked, "Weight loss or Stop smoking?" I confidently say, "Weight loss!" Why I so enthusiastically exclaimed that I had a weight problem was beyond me--but I digress. He handed me a release form.

"Checked the box for weight loss," he told me as he ushered me inside while he explained that the hypnotizing seminar would begin in 10 minutes. The girls followed.

Once inside the conference room, I scoped out the crowd. The seating arrangement was odd, there was a large section of seats in the center of the room and two long large tables on both sides. We decided to sit away from the crowd and sit at the tables. I noticed a dear, sweet-looking rotund angelic Latin woman in her mid 40's with long dark straight hair sitting alone. I admired her. She reminded me of my Aunt Margie. She was taking the necessary steps to transform her unhappy plump life into a successful thin one. She was organizing herself in the center seating section and I thought to myself, "She looks gullible enough--she'll do." I motioned her over and she immediately approached with a strange and puzzled look on her face.

Nando: Hi. Listen; let's not beat around the bush sister. You're here to be hypnotized right? (Her eyes widen as she nodded her head up and down in an uncontrollable fashion) Yeah, I thought so. That's enough nodding girlfriend. I have two friends over here (I point to the girls) and if you play along--we can get a $10.00 discount. What do you say? Are you in?
She introduced herself as Magdalena and agreed to the scheme. After quickly running to gather her belongings--she sat down to my right. D'Jahnay was sitting to my left and Jenny was on D'Jahnay's left. The seminar began and the room filled with 30 generously proportioned people was fixated on Mr. Green. He gave us background information on how the seminar worked. He spat out statistics of past seminar attendees who were successful. This was boring--I wanted him to pull out his pendulum and take me under. (If I had a nickel for every time I said that one).

The first hour consisted of Mr. Green spouting out brainwashing phrases like: hypnosis is good, being a fat slob is bad, give yourself the gift of slimness, and the ever popular--food is your enemy. These phrases turned me on--don't judge.

Mr. Green released the chubby crowd for a five-minute break. Jenny and D'Jahnay went to the ladies room and I stayed behind to guard their purses--as if I were a German Sheppard. That's when it happened, my love and admiration for Magdalena turn to utter disgust and hate.

Magdalena: I'm so happy you called me over. I really needed to save all the money I can. I went for a consultation for gastro bypass surgery last week and let me tell you--I felt like a model in the waiting room. (Cupping her non existent waist line) All the people were around 400 lbs and I felt I really didn't need the surgery since I only need to lose 200 lbs. Then I heard about the hypnotist and I wanted to give him a chance. But, why are you and your friends here?

Nando: Well, Magdalena, we too are victims of society's pressure and feel the need to be a certain weight in order to gain acceptance, love, and blend in with mankind.

Magdalena: Yeah, now that I think of it, I can see you needing to lose at least 20 pounds. (Insert crazy-looking smile)

Nando: (thinking to myself) 20 lbs? I was thinking 7 lbs would do. 20 lbs? Is she kidding me? This huge ugly cow is judging me? How dare she! Wait, we still haven't paid and I need her for the discount. "Let it go Nando." Take a deep breath and follow the advice of your life coach--just walk away and breathe.

The hypnosis began.

Mr. Green: Okay, everyone who is ready to be hypnotize, please come forward and pay for your session and retrieve your materials.

The material consisted of our choice of audio cassette or CD, a pamphlet that he printed at home on "the wonders of hypnosis" and a homemade pendulum (made out of fish wire and a bead tied to the end), which we would be using to hypnotize ourselves.
The crowd stampeded to the front of the room where Mr. Green was handling cash, money orders and credit cards. Magdalena was the first in our group to hand her cold cash over.

Magdalena: Hi Mr. Green. I really liked your speech on "stop living like a slob and start living in slimness." It was so motivational. I'm part of this group of four--so we want the discount. Also, I'd like a reinforcing hypnosis audio cassette and a receipt please.

Mr. Green: I don't give out receipts on site--call the office tomorrow and they will mail you one.

Magdalena: I don't get a receipt?

Mr. Green: No, not now. Just call the office and they will send one off to you.

Magdalena: But I really need a receipt.

Mr. Green: (getting impatient) I said call the office--the materials act like a receipt for now.

Nando: Magdalena, you're holding up the line. Take your reinforcing hypnosis cassette and sit your happy-ass down.

D'Jahnay: What is wrong with her? You had to find the "nut case" in the room and sit her by us--didn't you? Mr. Green looked like he got mad at her for asking for a receipt. I bet he's not gonna hypnotize her all the way. Do you want to have pizza with Jenny and me after we get hypnotized?

As I'm waiting to pay for my session, I noticed that Magdalena--back at her seat, took a pencil out and inserted the pencil into one of the loops of the cassette tape and was spinning it around. "What a weird-ass woman!" I thought. As I returned to my seat, Magdalena shoved the cassette in my face.

Magdalena: Look! I think there's something wrong with my reinforcing hypnosis cassette tape. What do you think?

Now, I hadn't seen a cassette tape since 1987, but it was obvious that Magdalena and her pencil had loosened the tape inside the cassette and her tape now consisted of large loops.

Nando: It looks fine Magdalena, calm down. Why don't you read your pamphlet on the wonders of hypnosis--like I'm about to do.

I took out my reading material and before I could get through the first sentence, I feel a tap on my right arm. It's Magdalena.

Magdalena: I'm really hungry. I need a snack. Do you think hypnosis will work on me if I am feeling hungry during the process?

Nando: I don't know? (In a disgusted tone)

Magdalena: Do you have any orange tic tacs or ranch flavored potato chips on you?

Nando: No. (What do I look like, a 7-Eleven?)

Magdalena: Can you ask your friends if they have any food?

I turned to the girls and asked for any edible materials. When they didn't have any, I suggested that she go outside and find a snack vending machine. She jumped out of her seat with a five-dollar bill and ran out the door.

D'Jahnay: What is girlfriend's problem?

Nando: She said she's hungry and can't get hypnotized while her stomach is growling. She might pass out.

Jenny: Well, it's a good thing we're in a hospital--they won't have to carry her too far.

D'Jahnay: (taking out her pendulum) This is some ghetto shit--a fish wire with a bead at the end. I paid $65.00 for this?

Magdalena came back empty-handed, disappointed, and on the verge of a mental break-down. But she had little time to focus, because the hypnosis was about to begin. We were instructed to close our eyes, relax and get comfortable in our chairs. He guided us through a relaxation technique but all I heard was Magdalena's stomach growling. I concentrate harder.

We were instructed to put our hands on our thighs and that soon, our left hand would feel light as a feather.

Mr. Green: I want you to relax and think about how thin you soon will be.

My left index finger started to twitch.

Mr. Green: Concentrate on how you are giving yourself the gift of slimness.

He reinforced that our left hand was feeling lighter and lighter--my left hand levitated into the air. I still heard Magdalena's pangs of hunger.

Mr. Green: You will be happy in your new thin athletic body. You will only eat good food, and avoid nasty greasy buttery food.Then were told to bring our hands down--in case they were in the air. I slipped on a few extra thoughts--thinking I could get more out of my session.

Nando: You will avoid 19-year-olds in the future, you will have Mario Lopez's abs, you will meet Oprah Winfrey.

Mr. Green: Now, open your eyes, pick up your pendulum and hold it still in front of you with your left hand. I want you to concentrate. Without moving your hand--only using your mind, move the pendulum from side to side.

My pendulum started to move.

Mr. Green: You will make better eating choices. You will no longer be a fat slob. You will only eat slenderizing foods. You will eat smaller proportions and not feel hungry. You will be satisfied with healthy foods.

My pendulum was going crazy spinning in huge circles--all while my hand was perfectly still.

Mr. Green: You will give yourself the gift of slimness. You will be proud for shedding that ugly fat.

Our last instruction was to stop all movement and then start to sway the pendulum back and forth--away from us and then towards us. Once again, my pendulum obeyed orders.

Mr. Green: You will look in the mirror and love who you see. You will love the new slim person staring back at you.

We were asked to stop all movement, let go of the pendulum, close our eyes and relax. He guided us out of this hypnotic state and had us open our eyes. I looked at my watch and what seemed like five minutes was actually 45. I couldn't believe I was under for 45 minutes. Mr. Green said we were now all officially hypnotized and walking out of the room with the materials in hand was proof that it worked--and then he went on to reinforce his "no money-back policy."

Before letting us out, he congratulated us on taking a new step towards a slimming life and demanded his pendulums back. He then stood by the door and with one hand shook your hand and with his other took back his beaded fish wire.

D'Jahnay: So where are we going for pizza?

Moral of the story:

a. Avoid relationships with 19-year olds.

b. Some one should have checked Mr. Green's credentials.

c. Artie Pasta's in the village makes for a great post-hypnotic dining experience.

What crazy or weird things have you done in order to lose weight?