What Vegetable is Your Depression?

Picture it: New York 2009 in a spacious apartment in Brooklyn sat a depressed Mexican who had everything to be "thankful" for according to friends, family, Dr, Phil and even a few Oprah episodes. But still, something deep inside didn't feel right. One day after the gym, I stopped at a corner market to buy groceries in another attempt to eat healthy and maybe, just maybe shed some of the winter weight I'd put on (I'm talking about the winter of '87). I noticed a bag of frozen carrots. I've never really liked carrots but I thought, "Why not?"

I returned home and toss them in the freezer. That was three months ago. Since then, when feeling depressed (not sure over what) I'd head over to the kitchen, browse the fridge, then open the freezer and there they'd be--the frozen carrots--starring at me and I'd sink deeper into my bout of self-doubt and self-hatred.

What's the problem? What's wrong? What's keeping me in this funk? Hanging out with friends was not appetizing, Sex was not appetizing, and those damned carrots certainly weren't appetizing either. I'd talk to friends who were "happy" and living life to the fullest; I wanted them dead. I knew if I called my mother she'd slip in a healthy dose of Mexican guilt by making me feel worse for not "counting my blessings" so I kept all this confusion to myself.

Finally, I talked to my oldest friend, Cris. She and I met in Odessa, Texas at Austin Elementary School in Mrs. Bulter's 3rd grade class and have seen the good, the bad and "the permed" in one another and have created a bond that even the word "friend" doesn't seem to describe it. There are days that I wake up happy and have no idea and then she calls and says, "I just got a raise." Or she will call asking, "Are you miserable? Because I just broke down in front of a co-worker and I have nothing to be sad about...so it must be you!" We have a connection where we can feel each other's mental states.

My phone rang late one night and I just couldn't keep it in.

Nando: I'm depressed and I don't know what to about it.
Cris: Me too! I hate the routine of my life. It's the same crap every day.
Nando: And I have no sex drive.
Cris: Yeah, and I feel like it's draining me more every day.
Nando: I hate people who are happy right now.
Cris: And that have perfect lives.
Nando: I hate that success is measured by money and not happiness or creativity.
Cris: I hate that I've never met my work mentor.
Nando: I don't know what that means, but I hate people who are living their dreams.
Cris: That live on the beach.
Nando: That eat carrots.
BOTH CRIS AND NANDO: AND WHO ARE SKINNY!

It turns out that we had both been feeling like crap but just never told one another. The next day, I woke up feeling okay, not better but just "okay". But even that was a major improvement compared to the misery I was experiencing on a daily basis. My phone rang.

Cris: Pack your bags, you're coming for a visit.
Nando: What?
Cris: You heard me. For two weeks you'll be stuck in Iowa with me, so pack light because I'll get you everything here. Paul (her husband) will be away at a conference for one week so we will have our "bond time" to just be free. I took the week off from work. I'll drop the kids off with my mother for two of those days so it'll just be me and you. After that, prepare yourself...
Nando: When am I leaving?
Cris: In three days. And throw those carrots out. It's time for Iowa corn.

And just like that, Cris flew me to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Instantly, we reconnected and reinforced this "connection" of ours. Have you ever laughed so much that your stomach hurt? We have hours where all we do is laugh to the point of tears with memories of High School or when living together during college. It's those moments that I'm engulfed in such a euphoric state and so "in the moment" that I forget where I am or what I was doing.

Cris is married, a mother of two, works full time and is pursuing her Masters in Electrical Engineering. In college, we'd study together (Me, Liz (her sister) and Cris). She'd take out her C++ books and other engineering books and scribble formulas on anything within reach. Liz would take out her anatomy book (she's a pharmacist now) and pulled out her very neatly organized note cards and quiz herself. I'd take out my David Sedaris book and read (I was taking creative writing classes and needed inspiration--don't judge).

My first day in Cedar Rapids was spent shopping; the hours flew by and suddenly we found ourselves in a little restaurant for dinner where the manager came out to chat with us. I'd seen him walking the floor; he smiled and I smiled back. He was tall, dark, blond and had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.

Manager: How was everything?
Nando: Uhm...it was okay.
Manager: Just okay?
Nando: Yeah...to be honest it was.
Manager: What did you order?
Nando: The lobster ravioli.
Cris: He also had a mojito and sent it back.
Manager: Oh really? Why?
Cris: He's been to Miami and has had the real thing...He reviews restaurants in New York.
Manager: Can you both stay a little longer? I'd like to fix this.

He walked away.

Nando: Why did you tell him all that? Now he thinks I'm a snob.
Cris: You are a snob.
Nando: Yeah, but I'd like to keep it a secret a bit longer.
Cris: Well, ask him for his number.
Nando: No. And what makes you think he's gay?
Cris: Cause he never once looked my way and I'm wearing a low-cut dress and the "girls" are out!

The manager came back with three thick slabs of ribs and a freshly made mojito. According to him, this was the house specialty and he wanted me to leave happy. He gave me his card and said if I had any questions about the food, to call and he'd clear it up for me. "Everything's on the house," he said as he walked away.

Two days into my Iowa trip Cris woke me up at 2 am, "Come one, let's go see Liz."

"But she's in Colorado," I said half awake. In an instant, we loaded up the Mini-Van and swung over to Colorado to visit her sister. We brought along Roman (her three-year-old) and Dominick (her two-year-old, Cris' mom, and Ethan (the 6-year-old nephew).

Nando: Did you bring a map?
Cris: Nope. Mom, do you remember how to get there?
Mom: Not really, I usually sleep through the trip.
Cris: Didn't you just install google maps on your Blackberry?
Nando: Yeah, but I haven't used it to navigate a 12-hour drive from Iowa to Colorado.
Cris: Well, let's test it out!

After getting caught in a horrible rain storm, stopping for the kids to poop, eat and rest for what seemed like every hour...we made it to Colorado where we were exchanging hugs and kisses with Liz, her husband and the newest addition, 7-month-old Isabella. We went hiking. We toured Denver. We enjoyed life. Two days later, we hit the road and returned to Iowa.

And as I enter my second week here; I realize that something's missing: my depression. I've gone from Slow-Poke Rodriguez to Speedy Gonzalez in a week. My energy level is high, my outlook is cheery and for once I feel good about things. I haven't missed New York, but I know that's where I belong and this little get-a-way has cleared the fog that's been hovering around me for months and its given me perspective.

I wish I could give those of you feeling depressed and miserable the answer, the steps to happiness but I'm not that wise. I only know what I was feeling, depressed and hopeless, was real and nothing--the gym, books, or advice--was working. I