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When Your Boyfriend Won't Hug You

It’s a Friday morning and I woke up in the usual manner–checking to see how many Twitter followers I had lost (I know, I’m a sad, sad Mexican). Then my boyfriend’s alarm went off–and why he chooses barking dogs as his alarm is beyond me–so  I nudged him to wake up and shut his iPhone off. As he stumbled out of bed and headed to the bathroom, I continued my Twitter escapades. He entered the room, still groggy and slow-poked his way to get dressed. It was quiet, I looked up from my iPhone and closed my tweet deck app; he was standing in front of me–he looked really handsome. He leaned in for a kiss and said goodbye, and I extended my arms to hug him and when he saw my scrawny arms coming towards him…he jerked back. He rejected my hug and left me wondering, “Why won’t my boyfriend hug me?”

Nando: I wanted a hug. Why won’t you hug me?

Boyfriend: mumble mumble mumble (something in Spanish and then a word or two in English)

And there you have it. The life of a Mexican Gay couple living in Brooklyn. I have no idea why he’s upset and why he didn’t embrace my hug–no pun intended. And before I began the montage of “woe-is-me” with a Celine Dion song playing in my mind, I had three choices.

  1. Sulk and get angry
  2. Burn his *ish
  3. Be an adult, talk about it with him and not take things so serious

The reality is:

I could imagine all types of scenarios but the the best thing to do is not take it too serious or make a big deal over it. If it continues to be a pattern, then there will be cause for concern. There’s a major misconception when you enter a relationship and it’s that both parties will feel equal amounts of affection at all times towards one another and that’s not the case. Everyone has varying types of what I call the “love cocktail” stirring in them depending on what stage the relationship is in. In the early phase, you’ll be creating so much oxytocin and serotonin that you can’t help keeping wanting to hold hands, touch, kiss, etc. The “love cocktail” is being produced in large quantities at a quick rate. But as time goes on and you enter 6 months as a couple, the production of serotonin and oxytocin begins to level off, resulting in wanting to hold hands, touch a little less.

People have different levels of sexual touch and we have to accept that as a reality but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be around you. But you do need to ask yourself if you wan to be with a person who is now being less physical. Is this the only area of the relationship that’s unsatisfying? Is there stress at work they are dealing with? Money issues? Family problems? All these issues can create an obstacle in physical intimacy in a relationship.



What to do?

Ask yourself which of the 5 love languages the two of you are expressing? People express love in 5 ways according to Gary Chapman and his book explains what they are which clarifies several misconceptions that everyone expresses love in the same language. This book is a must have regardless if you checked off the married, single or “it’s complicated” status on Facebook.

Anything else?

I’m not a doctor and I’m not giving out medical advice, but consider increasing your own serotonin by taking a supplement called 5htp that I myself take daily. It’s over the counter and helps with the creation of serotonin. For me, it levels me off so the next time I comes across the, “My boyfriend” won’t hug me,” situation–it won’t be the end of the world.

As a dating, relationship and sex blogger–I’d like to know if this has ever happened to you and how you handled it. How did it make you feel? Did you cancel Enchilada Friday too? Has your Boyfriend ever rejected your hugs, kisses, or bad breath? Leave a comment–and tell me, what should I do. Don’t forget to answer the poll.


Update: It’s October 2016 and the BF I wrote about in the blog is now my husband and we’ve been married for the last 6 years. I still take the serotonin booster 5htp, but want to know something? The “he won’t hug me” wasn’t such a big deal anyway. Now the issues has become, “Please stop putting dishes in the sink!” Keep that in mind when your boyfriend won’t hug you — it’ll pass.

If you’re looking for coaching in your relationship or aren’t having any luck in your dating life — I currently have time for 3 additional clients. Contact me and let’s discuss the possibility of working together. Schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation today!

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